Fully Known

Psalm 139:1 reads, "You have searched me, Lord, and you know me." The whole psalm lays out the ways in which God knows and has known the author, stating that God "knit me together in my mother's womb (13). "

God knew you before the world did. Before you were given a name, before people tried to decide what you would be, or what you could do, God knew you. He watched you grow until birth, and when you were born could tell you apart by the sound of your cooing in the crib. He counted the hairs on your head and the cracks on your palms. The number changes; He knows that too. But more importantly, He knows you. Your heart. Every joy, every ache, the tears you've cried, the hope you've felt, He knows it all.

Lately I have been dwelling on this passage. And I've just been so humbled by how much He knows us and yet loves us. How perfectly He understands our hearts, and how desperately He longs for us to know Him. He knows our struggles- addiction, heartbreak, pride, jealousy, rage, loneliness. Not just on a surface level. He understands how we got there, can see every crack in our spirits, and He knows how to heal them. How to rescue us. The cross won the ultimate battle. Somehow His grace is inexplicably both one-size-fits-all, yet reveals itself to each person exactly how they need it.  

He knows us perfectly, and He still seeks relationship with us. Through prayer we are brought closer to Him. You would think that knowing how well God knows me would make it easier to pray. Easier to lay out the most desperate parts of my soul, and trust that my creator will sustain me. I’m not telling Him anything He didn’t know before. I cannot change His opinion of me. 

He has been revealing this to me for some time now, reminding me through scripture, or in conversations with other believers. Even in beloved books He has found ways to remind me that I am known. His knowledge of me is perfect. Complete. He knows the desires of my heart. You would think that knowing how good and loving my God is would make prayer easier. 

In some ways, beginning to understand this about God did make prayer easier. But in many areas, I began to wonder why I had a hard time telling God what was on my heart. Why suddenly the thought of prayer made me freeze, almost like I was afraid. Knowing and understanding how well He knows changed everything. My prayers were no longer a quiet, ponderous act. My prayers began to change me. My prayers began to move me. Because knowing this about God makes faith an even deeper, more intimate choice. I am not simply following a God who has good life advice and moral standards. I am choosing, every day, to follow a God who knows me and because He knows me is asking me to trust Him with everything. 

My prayers weren’t more difficult because of God knowing me, but because I was afraid of what that meant for me. Complete surrender. Absolute trust. A faith that moves me in meaningful ways, because God knows my heart and is bringing me toward righteousness. God's love for me will never change. But He calls me to change, and to trust Him with the process. Because He knit me together in my mother's womb. And the work is not finished.